2020 is coming to a close as we all knew it would. The “now what” hangs over our heads like a teetering ever expanding water balloon. Who knows what the new year will bring. Most places of business and worship will try selling you hope. One to make you feel better but also so you buy their product or service. I am no different. I have always looked at life with rose coloured glasses although they were smudged with greasy finger prints and a major crack down the middle of them. Even with the crack I could see rainbows of light reflecting off of its imperfections and be completed mesmerized for minutes but felt like hours.
I’ve started multiple businesses with the underlining message always being hope. Perhaps it was really to sell it to myself. They say we give what we need or want. I forget. I can get myself all hyped up and super pumped to jump into a new project even if that project is me. But somewhere around a corner of pissed off and a dozen donuts, the shit always hits the fan. There is always something that either tests me or just brings me to my knees either in pain or mercy.
I have pitched and preached a new year and a new you for a very long time. Probably because I’ve seen it so many times out in the wild among over paid advertisers. But I bought into it and tried and failed and tried and tried again and here I am, fingers break dancing across the keyboard releasing my version of the truth.
Is it even possible to create a new you? Actually, what is a new you? Outside of major surgery, and completely distorting your outer image, can we ever change what’s on the inside? That shit stays with us, like forever. Sure we can set up schedules, become accountable, try out different things but honestly if it sticks doesn’t that mean that there was already something inside that wanted it in the first place? Ahh never mind, I think I have lost whatever it was I trying to say here.
I am just really tired of pretending to be something I’m not. I have done everything the “right” way as it was set for me. I did what “they” said I should in order to get…X, Y, Z. I have been too skinny, too fat, too quiet, too loud, too fast, too slow, not enough and way too much, I have been too close and too far and you get the picture.
I think in this part of my life I get to decide to take the time to get to know me. The little girl I abandoned in the mirror so long ago. Perhaps now I can really listen to what it is she needs and stop listening to people who don’t know me. Just maybe I can discover what it is that I like, what brings me a smile and fills my heart with joy. Not what other people think I should. Maybe I can explore all the other emotions that I have been told to hide. After all we have a whole suitcase full of them, we were born with them why in the hell would we then not be able to use them. I am going out on a limb here and say I’ll bet there are some in there I completely forgot about and that will come in handy.
So coming back to my first question, maybe there really isn’t a new you but a you that has always been there waiting for you to notice it. So how about this year, we get to know ourselves. Our way, on our time schedule and be okay however it turns out. To look at ourselves, with kindness and love and then unpack that suitcase and let the fun begin. I have come to realize that we are exactly where we need to be and that all is well until we believe otherwise. And even that is okay too. The odds of us ever being here are crazy, so why not express you, the you that was created to be here. See you on the other side. Happy New Year and to the you, you have yet to meet.