I feel like I don’t belong here..

“I am confident, I stand tall, knowing all things are possible, I live an extraordinary life”

As the years begin to accumulate you begin to notice you’re not quite where you thought you would be by now. A self evaluation will start and an empty checklist seems to appear. You’ll start to negotiate with the inner child within you on what you think is possible now. We always want to justify why it hasn’t happened or why we think it won’t.

There’s so many things we do with our dreams. Some of us release them into the wind like a wish and never think of them again.

Some of us stomp on them with such assurance believing it could never happen and we extinguish them like stepping on a tiny amber from a campfire. And never think of it again.

Then there’s some of us who bob for them like bobbing for apples, we get one and don’t know what to do with it and it slips back into the water, we pick another one and the same thing happens, it goes back. We have so many, we never really make a choice on which one we want to do. We actually believe they’re all possible but are overwhelmed by all the options. We’re easily distracted, we’re the dreamers. The gypsy artist who’s always onto the next thing.

Then there’s the one who waters their own, they made the decision which dream to make a priority in their life. They are focused, they see traction and real results. This is the one we all wish we were more alike. However not all of us are.

This is the one I wish I was more alike. But I’m not. I’m the dreamer, lost in the rainbow in a sun ray, dancing with the wind. I am the gypsy.

When I was a child, I pretended to be an adult and as they say I grew up fast, really fast. My life situation forced this onto me. But I also had the luxury of doing this among nature and it’s from that experience that I feel in love with awe. The wonder of each day and rejoicing in the unknown.
However as time continued I eventually became the adult I use to pretend to be. I felt unequipped not fully prepared for all the trials and tribulations that I would experience. I felt lost and broken many times. It was always my inner compass that somehow pulled me through it and the messiness of adulthood.

It doesn’t take too long to discover the broken promises of being a good person and complying with the rules and laws that were set out before you do not protect you the way you had thought they would.

Pain still shows up, despair, hurt, betrayal and you would gladly welcome back that monster from under your bed in exchange for the nightmares that show up at night. You worry more, you’re handed responsibility without a manual. I feel like I wasn’t ready. I’m not prepared and truth be told I don’t like this game. I don’t understand the rules the terms that are used sound like a foreign language.
I yearn for that sense of wonder to come back. I search for a safe place for my inner child to come out and play once again. To not worry about all the rules and or being hurt.

It’s funny how we all want this to happen but instead we stay quiet and hide in fear of being judged, put down and have our feelings hurt. Why do we do this? It’s like we admire them and in awe of someone so carefree but then in the same breath we try pull them down and break their spirit.
Is it because we feel broken and we don’t want to be alone?

I show up everyday, put on a good face, ready to start the day, I have the hope that today will be the day that I get it. Today will be the day that these adult-ing things come naturally to me. Honestly I’m good for a few hours, then the heaviness becomes too much and I feel tired and drained. Even passion needs a break. As an artist, things outside of creating seem heavy.

Trying to justify my behaviour seems ridiculous and unnecessary but yet here I am. There’s such a large demand on me to be something and someone I’m not. It’s because of this that doubt shows up more often than a spam phone call. When you’re pretending to be someone you’re not and trying to do the things you think others want you to, the things you’re supposed to do. It depletes you, you’re starting something that is set up for a failure.

This is how we have set up life, we have a one way method of how we as society deemed to be okay and acceptable to succeed in. And it’s the go-getter who gets there, anything else we deem as failing.

So tell me again what would you have me do?
Is it my own fault? Do I know better? Is there another way?

I find myself retreating, leaning more into nature and a very simple life further away from people. One, I no longer wish to be judged. Two, I do not want to waste my time judging others.Three, I just want to be happier and love this experience of life

It’s like there’s two sets of rules, there are the rules of man and oh my they’ll make your head spin. And then there’s nature rules and my job has become to figure out how to navigate between the two of them Just to survive.

Nature fully accepts me and all the changes of me. I think we were to be more like nature, take only what we need and be among it. But instead it became something we had to be concerned about. It’s not a game that we can ever win.

We have to undo the conditioning that was put onto us. Let go of all the beliefs that use to somehow make sense, release the notion of ultimatums if you don’t comply with the so called rules.

Become one with yourself and you’ll be one with nature.

Denise xo