Seems a little odd that the day has just begun and I already have thoughts. Where in the hell did they come from? And where are they going? Who’s really in control here? Or is anyone. Wow, so many questions and I’m only on my first cup of coffee.
I was woke up in the middle of the night with sharp pains in my stomach last night and it resulted in me heading to the hospital. However on route me and my thoughts talked me out of it. There were a few valid reasons that rose from the night sky, one being who in the heck wants to go to a hospital during this Covid thing and then second the pain had disappeared. I was actually enjoying the ride, the seat was leaned back and I had the heat on the seat and I was covered up with a cozy blanket. I was staring off into the darkness and the little specks of lights we call stars were staring back at me. The moon reflected out it’s bright light from behind a cloud. It’s winter here and last night was very cold, a raw wind seem to blow right through you. But in these moments I was grateful to be witnessing what I was.
I externalized my thoughts to my partner and we turned around and came back home. Now I was able to walk on my own and climb the stairs with no assistance. I don’t know what the heck it was but I am glad it stopped. I was able to go back to bed and rest until morning.
Wow, and here I thought I wouldn’t know what to write. Let’s see, what else….
Read a passage this morning that I wanted to explore a little further. It was about being a victim or a volunteer.
When we go through things in life. Are we seeking a way to volunteer for the position or are we really being a victim. Shit happens and there’s no denying that. For most this year of 2020 has wreaked havoc and there’s no doubt it has collected it’s victims. But then there is some of us who have seemed to sign up to take some of this shit.
It made me think what is the difference. And for me I think it’s about being able to do something about it or not. I know this is a challenging one for sure. There some of us who get a hit of something when someone feels pity for us. For me, as a child it seemed that was the only way I ever got attention. (the loving kind) But it really doesn’t serve me much as an adult. Or so I think.
Take for example, last night pain attack. I stayed with the pain by myself for quite a while, hoping it would just go away and it would be a story I share over morning coffee. But it didn’t seem like it was letting up, so I mustard up the energy I needed to ask for help. Instant support showed up and on our way we were to the hospital. Now physical pain is quite different than emotional pain…or is it? As I wrote that I began to second that statement. If you are in physical harm then yes by all means seek attention and you are a victim. Okay..I will leave this here..as I still want to ponder this a little more.
What I initially thought about the victim or volunteer statement was living with an addict and how i use to be the victim but then eventually as time went on realized that I was actually volunteering to be there for them. I thought it was being a martyr and helping someone and it would always come as a cost towards myself. I would have to give up something in order to help them. Either my own sanity, my time, my health and on and on it would go. I wasn’t actually helping them but instead I was hurting myself. I have come to learn that I can help someone while keeping my distance and turns out I can even love them more from afar.
Still not easy, the things that use to be my normal turns out weren’t that healthy for me. I returned several times just because it was normal. I even confused love to this abuse. Mildly or harsh, it really doesn’t matter. When the abuse was mild, it was usually disguised into something thing else and confused me enough to tolerate for a longer period of time. But the pain seemed deeper and always left a bigger scar.
Love is not suppose to hurt, no matter where it comes from.