To my dearest Son,
It is Christmas morning here and once again it is without you. This year has been much like the others since our relationship was cut. Here I sit staring at the empty page and wondering where all the words went. My feelings rise like waves from deep sadness to rage and everything in between.
Christmas morning what is there to say.
I miss that child with awe and wonder in his eyes. I miss hearing “mom”. That one word makes me weep. The excitement that would lead up to this day. Although everyday was that for me. Even if it didn’t look like it.
I was stuck in my own head, trying to be an adult I did what I could. Seems like an excuse swirling around. I did what I was shown throughout my life, and it never really felt right. I was too caught up in my own misery that I never trusted myself.
I guess it shows that I never really believed that you were “mine”. You were too good for me. You were the best thing in my life and I let you go without a fight. I allowed someone to take you from me. I know in the bigger scheme of things that you were never mine, and that like me you belonged to no one and the Universe had bigger plans for you.
I would give just about anything to go back to those earlier years and hold you in my arms. To spend more time in that space of adventure, asking questions and pondering our way through life.
Even on Christmas morning all those years ago I somehow believed that I wasn’t enough for you.
I wanted more for you. And it was all the things I couldn’t give you. Or so I thought.
Now you’re an adult on your own. And I hope one day we can build a relationship together. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know you at all anymore.
My hope for you then, would have been much of the same as when you were a kid. Sharing our time with loved ones and spending quality time together. I miss that little guy who I called my Buddy because it was always just the two of us.
Would I have done things differently? I ask myself this question all the time and the same answer always comes up and it’s, no. I’m not an aggressive person nor would I ever manipulate you or anyone else.
I would also never guilt you into anything either. But little me against “those”? There are many of them and they are all those things I am not. Or ever wish to be.
As the years pass by, the hope I have slowly fades. Our time together sometimes doesn’t even seem real anymore. The memories are not as strong and the ability not to make new ones makes me cry. It feels like I have very little to hold onto.
Okay, now it feels like I am rambling on here now. It’s never really been Christmas without you, heck life doesn’t like much without you. I pray you stay well and find the truth in your heart and allow love to flow through it. I miss you everyday. I used to count the days, the hours, the minutes waiting for your arrival in fear you would never arrive like your brother and sisters. I feared I would lose you before I got to hold you, to hear your heartbeat, to hear “I love you mom”. I did get those things but the fear of losing you was still there and in a sense you could say I did. I love you.
mom xo
Denise Hamel 