Pain Vs Happiness

Which one do you relate to the most?

I was watching a movie the other night and the character gets betrayed and feels great sadness. It was in this moment that I felt a sense of comfort and I realized that perhaps I actually relate better to sadness than I do to happiness.

Pain & sadness have been my go-to’ s for such a long time. I’m sure it’s rooted into my childhood. And I can almost make sense of it. But now being in the middle of my life. (If I get another fifty years) I would have thought happiness would shown up and stuck around for a bit. Don’t get me wrong there are moments that are amazing and yes those do stick around but pain usually slides back in and takes over.
There’s a comfort level almost with pain and suffering. I can actually do a catalogue of suffering throughout my life thus far. Like these are the milestones that my memory chooses to store.

Maybe you have to redefine a new normal? How does one even do that? Sometimes I feel like I’m addicted to starting over. Like maybe I self sabotage my success, my version of happiness. I have achieved some “happier” moments in my life that deserve to be filed along with the other memories.

How can we leave the pain in the past if we are constantly bringing it up? I pray I find a new level of comfort that provokes more happiness in my life.

Which side do you favour?