Hello Beautiful. I am sitting here in my new office trying to figure out what to write. I was working on something different but felt I needed a break so here I am. Now what? Floats through my mind. Like I need to know everything, every minute of the day. Trying to give up that disgusting habit.
Anyways I wanted to write something here for the new year. I actually started a new routine just before the new year and I’m still at it and I got to say that I am liking the change it has brought me.
I feel way better about myself. I even get dressed up for the day.
Last night I did not sleep very well. In fact I was awake every few hours and thoughts were racing around in my head like Indy 500. At one point I even got up and grabbed a pen and a notebook and began to write them down. These ones were ones of inspiration and some really great ideas. Others were about family members to whom I haven’t spoke to in years. To some who have betrayed me and caused a lot of pain. Pain that I still feel to this day.
I am wondering how different my life is from what I thought it would be. Isn’t it funny that when we are kids we just go about our business and pick up everything that is around us. Habits, our tone, behaviours etc. just to fit into the dynamic that is around us. Then as we branch out we find new ways to live a life. We try out different ones, to see which one fits best for us but will generally default back to the original one. Until we gather enough evidence for ourselves and yes to some and no to others. I think you either learn it quickly and try out plenty of different things or you stay with just one thing.
Our society embraces the one who sticks with one thing. We demand it actually and frown against those who try out different things. We call them, lazy, easily distracted, a dreamer, not able to settle down. I know this all to well, I have heard all of them and more. But let’s get real, there is some of us who will come up with something new so we can grow, evolve. It’s just if everyone did this then the masses couldn’t be easily controlled & manipulated.
This is still a battle that rages on inside of me. I still crave the validation of my existence from those who love me. But also the wild part of me is always running lose, looking for fresh grass to graze on. If you stay too long, you have nothing left. This is nature and we are part of nature. I have to constantly remind myself of this. Just because there are very few examples to look to within the human world. We’ve created a trap for ourselves and we’re told to feel good about it. What a pile of bullshit that is.
Anyways I guess my thoughts are still on overdrive. I’ll see if I can’t flag them down.
Denise Hamel 