So it’s almost Christmas and this year has been one for the history books to say the least. This is the time of year that everything is suppose to be all fucking rosey. Everyone is to wear big smiles and be the happiest they’ve been all year.
Well I gotta say this has not always been me. However, luckily I can still feel the little child within me and her excitement for the holidays and the big day. She bought into all the hype. I am still moved to tears when I see a child completely in awe and wonder. I am able to connect to that space and it feels wonderful.
However the bubble gets popped and I tumble back to the reality on earth that everyone talks about. Why does it have to be so dam hard? I truely believe that this year is really a blessing, in the fact that it is forcing us to look within ourselves and to actually deal with our own shit. Up to now we have delightfully and painfully avoided doing this. Collecting things and addictions to pile up and take space in our precious life.
For myself this year has definitely been just that. Easy? Hello no. Still painful. I fell in and out of a depression and it was just in this last week here that things began to change for me. How?
I made a decision to make a change and here we are. Baby steps, but still they are steps and I am grateful for everyone of them. I have begun the process of putting myself first. Frightening, because this is something new me. Like most women I have been trained to put myself last. I know we talk a big talk about this but we only put it into practice if we actually see women putting themselves first and then secondly seeing others embrace it and celebrate it. It’s also been put into our heads to attack those who go against the normal. That shit has to stop.
Within the last few weeks I have also spoke up about things that have pissed me off. I vocalized my pain in a way that I have never done before. I use to be too afraid to upset someone if I voiced my thoughts and my own feelings. I know this shit sounds crazy and I think it is too but that is how most of us are raised and groomed to help others. Most parents have children to live the life they never got to have. Even it’s to agree with them because that person never got to hear anyone agree with them as a child. Anyways I am still here and I am grateful for that.
Hope has managed to creep back into my life and I feel a sense of pride within myself. The one thing I am learning is that if I feel prideful towards myself no one can take that away from me. I am rebuilding confidence, it strengthens me and makes me feel powerful. The ideas are flowing back into my life and I find inspiration everywhere once again.
What have I done? I have listened to myself and allowed her to speak. I wrote out the things she was saying instead of trying to keep her silent. It was powerful, vigilant, honest, kind and loving. Not everyone thought that way but how they feel is no longer my business. If someone harmed me they are going to know about it. I use to keep that shit inside but no more. The lioness picture here was what I actually shared on my social media. For me this pictures symbolizes great strength but also the eyes are determined and focused. And the saying of how karma will bite you in the ass.
From there I began listening to books that motivated me and help build me up and reinforce my values. I cleaned up my environment, my home got a bit of a make over. I organized the things I use and stored the things I don’t. The final step was to actually move my body. Seriously, this masterpiece I am in is glorious and I’ve been treating her like trash because I took on other people’s opinion. Well I started to walk. I wake up and go for a walk. It doesn’t matter for how long it’s now a commitment to myself. I listen to a book while I walk. Then I stretch. I feel like I am getting to know myself. I take the time to shower, make my bed and get dressed for the day. I choose what to wear to make myself feel good. Then I enjoy a coffee and do some writing. And share with you.
It’s almost Christmas…I think the true meaning shouldn’t be about just one day. You need to treat yourself everyday like it’s Christmas. You deserve the best. Stop selling yourself short. Find the awe and wonder in life, everyday of the year. This life is precious and all the feelings are available, you can choose any of them.
We are not all the same and we all go a different pace and that’s okay. I’m okay and so are you. Much love to you. I pray you find a glimpse of light to guide you back to the love inside of you.