I’m peering out from my thoughts to peek into the outside world only to find others who I thought cared about me go on without me as if I didn’t even exist. Guilt riddles me and it acts like a stain, one that I cannot rub off. Betrayal keeps the knife lodged into my back, overgrown now. Still hurts but nothing left there but a callus of skin concealing the entry point. Fuck why does this shit still hurt so much?
I never thought any of this would ever happen. You grow up believing a set of thoughts composed of rules and what feels right etc. Then you slowly watch and document when this bends, breaks and ultimately falls apart. I knew what was right. There was one other person who really had a say and that was clearly stated to me that zero fucks were given and had nothing to do with it at all. So then why did this all happen? Why did a great relationship get destroyed? People poked their nose into something that they had no business being in. These people took it upon themselves to do what they thought was right, when they had no business being involved. It has undermined my ability and my rights.
These people were afraid that their relationship would change but that goes to show you how well they knew me. I would have made sure that those relationships stayed intact. It’s really too bad that they didn’t also feel the same way.
The damage has been done and it’s beyond repair. There has to be a new normal. How does one live with a knife still in their back?
I am proud of the fact that I will never stab a knife in anyone else’s back just because I have one in mine. I actually believe that is what’s happened. Those who hurt people are just acting out their own hurt.
My whole history and collected memories are shattered. It’s like none of it ever existed. Funny how I seem to be the only one holding myself back from moving on. I am the only one punishing myself for something someone else did. The actions that others took have once again proved to me that I trusted someone I should not have. How many times do I have to punish myself before I can actually move on?
I pray to see my own light and to heal myself. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself. I desperately want to move on with my life.
Thanks for being here with me. Help me in creating a new normal. —
Denise Hamel 