Feeling anxious more and more these days. There’s an urgency lurking in the air everywhere. Even in the so called comforts of my home even by bed. The very place where we all lay our heads down to rest from the rat race of the day, the place where we are to recharge. I haven’t been able to do this in a while now.
I know it’s probably not as bad some right now. I have a privilege of being white and I feel very grateful for that, it is a blessing however I also understand that I am still here because of my coloured, mixed race who were sacrificed for my privilege and I am still wanting to see this corrected. It was wrong then and is still wrong today.
I feel like I am to know what to do all the time and I beat myself up for not knowing. I also think that I am not allowed to be anxious, confused, uncertain, and on and on it goes. I beat myself up for so many things. I’m not where I thought I would be by now. However I am also the one sitting the emergency brake and not the gas. I am the one who hadn’t filled her own tank in years, instead I have expected others to fill it for me. Then get pissed off when they don’t know that I don’t take “regular” gas.
I’m a sensitive soul, always have been and always will be. I feel beyond the human touch. I felt this pain the world is now experiencing years ago. I had no idea what it would be, but I knew how much pain it would hurt. I felt the cries, the agony, the despair, the pleads to be seen, to be recognized as a human.
We are in a world state of unworthiness, we all want to know we matter and are loved exactly how we are perfectly created from the divine. But instead we are rewarded for pointing out our flaws and mocking others who are not like us. To find what’s different instead of noticing our similarities. The beauty that is intertwined between us like a delicate lace but stronger than a spiders web. We are taught to ignore this and fill our bodies with hate and disgust for things we do not understand. We are to preoccupied with trying to get our point across in an attempt to be heard instead of remaining quiet and listening with our ears and our hearts.
We all want best for our families, we want to protect them and nourish them with love. The love we felt we missed out on. We grow little by little with each generation. But in this moment in time we are at a crossroads, the gates are down, the walls have begun to crumble. We can now see behind the closed doors we have been banging on for a lifetime and beyond.
Everyone is frantic, everyone feels scared and senses more fear around the corner. Our structures that have held our beliefs are melting and turn into blood that flows onto the streets for the public to witness and the world to see.
As the laws are tested and the systems begin to fray from the reality we were never allowed to face, people are scrambling to find solid ground, we march, scream out our beliefs in hopes that someone will stand with us, someone will take our hand and hold the sign that we are too tired to repeat. We fear we’ll be left out.
The system can’t survive, it mustn’t we can’t save what was never built right in the first place. Whether it’s a marriage, or a governing system. If it was built on a bad intentions then it will fall apart with bad intentions. There comes a time when enough is enough.
As the world reaches a boiling point, we will continue to see things rise to the top and spill over. These things most of us have never seen before, those who did know and turned a blind eye will now be faced with truth in the light. No more hiding, no more fearful nights in the dark. We must learn to be okay with who we are, without demanding someone else to acknowledge it or us.
Denise Hamel 