Writing has been my salvation to staying sane or as close to it as I can.
I have wrote my feeling out on paper for as long as I can remember and still do today.
There are some days where nothing comes out and then there are other days where I don’t want to stop. Sharing it however is a whole other story. I hear the inner voice my head whispering so not to scare me telling to share it… go ahead and share it.. someone needs to hear this message, they need to know they are not alone in this world. They need to hear that you can survive such an act and smile out of the shadows of despair.
Trust me when I say it’s not easy, it’s not easy but I have been blessed enough to be able to hear that voice inside and or the pull towards the light. I have been able to stand back up there are some times I don’t know how it happened but really glad it did.
So many people have tried to pull me down, cover me and leave me for dead. Hell there have been times that I have done it to myself. Why? I don’t really know, perhaps so that no one else could. So not a good excuse but it’s mine.
What I have been through and the reasoning behind it doesn’t always make sense but it’s what happened. I have spend most of my life trying to make sense of it and perhaps I will never really know the answers.
Adding to my story/post the other day, I would like to add that I have always questioned my worthiness. Why I don’t know, some would say it was learned from others around me. Knowing what I know now I can tell you that there is never any blame to anyone else as we are all just doing our best as we learn to do it. Once we know better we generally will do better. Some habits and behaviours are passed down generations to generations the excuse of it all is – this just how we do it. This is how it’s always been done. Does that mean it can never be changed? My answer to that is no. Change happens when we are ready.
Let me tell you that change can be frightening and peer pressure is always present for you not to change. Family and friends fell threatened if it doesn’t work well with their plans they had/have of you.
I have been changing my whole life while still repeating the same patterns over and over again. What I have done is changed jobs and moved into a new spaces seeking something different but I somehow managed to stay the same person.
*Originally written October 14 2017