OK, harsh yes I know but hear me out on this thought.
As little girls I can tell you that we are generally taught to be quiet and be nice to everyone…smile etc. Everyone loves a little girl who looks cute, is quiet and that is nice to everyone. We are taught very early that if someone treats us bad and we only know this because of the way it makes us feel, that oh that’s just the way ‘they’ are. Or stop making up stuff ‘they’ wouldn’t do that or be like that. No one likes a liar or a cry baby so stop and wipe those tears away and put a smile back on your face or people won’t think you’re pretty.
This is what we are taught and if you go against that then be prepared because all hell will break loose all over you.
Now little boys I know are taught to be strong and they are told not to cry and to stop being a girl. There appears to be a right of passage when they have their first fight or make a girl cry..
Imagine this little boy pulls the little girls hair. The little girl is told that’s just the way boys are and then demanded to smile through the pain anyways…and at the same time the little boy sees this …what message is this to the little boy? That it’s OK to do this? etc etc. but what if that little boy just wanted to touch that little girls hair because the thinks it’s beautiful and wants the little girl to be his friend? The little girl isn’t allowed to fight back either.. maybe the little boy just wanted someone to play with him. This is the only way he has been shown how to express love towards a girl.
Can you see it? Can you relate?
Now say that little boy grows up into a young man and continues this behaviour and is encouraged by other young men who were raised the same way. But deep down all he really wants is for someone to love him unconditionally. Then this young man becomes a grown man and the only way he knows how to express himself towards woman is with this anger and rage at times..
Talk about confusing on both parts.
Who are we anyways? All we ever want is to be loved. Each one of us goes about it a little differently than the next but ultimately it’s all for unconditional love. With that comes acceptance with understanding… We also want to be understood for how we are feeling. This is part of how we valuate our worthiness, we are oh so desperate for others to understand how we feel that we unconsciously make those around us feel the same way we do. Just so we can have someone else justify our feelings to make us feel worthy and validated as a human worthy of love.
So for me, usually I am feeling, lost, unworthy, unloved, hurt, alone, worthless, scared..and I put all of these to those who are the closest to me, which right now would be husband. Whether he actually feels any of these I don’t know but I created situations and circumstances where I think he will feel those feelings in order for him to understand me. After all he says he loves therefore why wouldn’t I want him to fully understand me and feel what it is that I am feeling.
We do this to all of our loved ones. As a parent we put our feelings onto our children unwillingly they learn to and repeat it back to us which really pisses of a parent; let me tell you. But as a child we only do what it is that we see and feel, we’ve all heard the line, children will do as you do not as you tell them. So you better be a good example however you can only do what you know at the time.
Coming back to my title here “the poor rapist”..
We are so intertwined in our feelings that we must be able to express them all, one way or another. There’s a reason why we have them, but the fact that the sexes are raised differently and portrayed differently in this lifetime and not always in the light…it’s all about emotions and feelings. suppressing them only delays the outcome and any attempt of controlling them goes out the window..
Can you ever feel compassion for a rapist?
We all repeat our learned behaviour on how to express our love towards others. You know how hard it is to change even though it’s not healthy and you know it’s wrong. There’s that twist with sex and love which can also be rape but it’s with the expression of emotions that makes the difference…the act is the same..
Where is it that we are learning how to treat each other? Who are the people we are looking up to for guidance? Who are our role models? What and who is teaching us?
note- I have been raped myself. This has been shared in another post.