My Life is Perfect…
My Life looks perfect from the outside but just like all things there’s stuff going on below the surface carefully out of sight so not to frighten anyone else. In fact we ourselves cannot even see it, we can only feel it and it comes to us in the form of pain. Usually unwanted pain but ever so necessary for growth..
I have just finished breaking down a little and opened up just a little more with tears streaming down my face..not really from sadness but from revelations.. my confused world is allowing me to see things I keep trying to avoid, hiding. Things I thought were carefully packed away never to been seen again or ever felt. However when it comes to hidden pain all it really does is fester, it becomes more painful which makes you want to hide it even more. We begin to wear masks to avoid the pondering questions about what’s wrong; as most people truly do not want to hear the answer let alone actually help you. After all why would they want to help someone who was so hideous, so ugly.
I am a by product of a belief system where I am unwanted, ignored, left alone, always left to fend for myself, unworthy which sums up to being unlovable.
Knowing what I know now- I only ever trust one person with this information but not in the way of words but instead with the actual feelings. How did I do this, you ask. It was simple, I made him feel the samething. The only people I have ever loved I made them feel the exact samething and that includes my only child.
It’s a trap and I know this now, today but when I did it I had no idea. I feel so terrible for doing this to him that I actually keep the cycle going because it causes me so much pain. Today it seems I prefer to be with someone who constantly reminds me that I am unwanted, ignores me, makes me feel unworthy and unlovable.
I’ll have pockets of happiness and perhaps even joy, excitement and heaven knows there’s inspiration that floods in and secret be known it’s really pretty good but I always find a way to destroy it and come back to pain I have stored where I can maintain the unworthiness and unlovable status I have grown accustomed to.
This pattern has been passed down by generations before me..although whispering to the God’s for their child to break out and beyond this curse. We are given gifts, talents, unlimited strength and even courage but the curse has stayed strong, it preys on the weak in the most vulnerable times.
the more I think of this the more I am believing that the ego is possibly the best thing to have. I would say there’s a reason why the church wants to destroy it.
If everyone allowed their ego to lead, would we all be striving towards something? Because right now there’s a world of people who are left feeling unsure about everything and who are easily manipulated, people feeling lost and who are willing to do just about anything to not feel what is already inside them. The current feeling we all now are in …is fear. Which is the easiest one to make people do what you want them to.
I believe there’s almost two ego’s one is the one I think we should be living from – kind, outgoing, wanting to do more, a can do attitude, happy.
The other is the one that society has created, about wanting more which is really close to the first one but this one only wants to hoard their wealth, and obtain as much as possible, greed, selfless.
And as in this second case I agree we should be letting that one go. As all of my teachers who came before me have so beautifully mastered but the word ego holds more than what the world has created it into.
It is also attached to pride, self worth, fantasy, abundance and self love which are the very things each and everyone of us are searching for. We have trapped ourselves in this never ending cycle of searching for something we are told to ignore.
Where that came from I do not know but holy shit it’s good. Wow.
How to break the curse? Could this ego thing really be the answer? I looked up ego from an old dictionary from 1828 and the world didn’t even exist.
How do we/I get past this false belief to live in fear; that we’ve been trained to except as reality. The new facing reality that we are not enough without all the stuff. ???
This is something new even to me, and it’s only been since I have stopped looking at Social Media. It’s only been a few days, maybe four now but what a difference.
If we actually shut out the outside noise, what are we left with? …ourselves.. and to most of us that is the most feared place to ever be.
That is where all the hidden secrets are waiting to be heard, where the truth resides..we just want to be loved. All of us, the secrets and I. Can you love me knowing all of my secrets? I don’t think so because I can’t love mine so how can I ever expect you to?
That is how we really think, when we are getting close to being exposed. What does one do then? Quickly create a distraction… a diversion to something else. Oh I know, how about a fight that always seems to work. Or I know, how about a something I know will make you shut down instead..I can expose one of your secrets…yes that would be good then you’ll be too hurt to even notice the slight opening you were beginning to cause in me.
This is our cycle, our biggest fear. being exposed and still not being loved. Because really if you can’t love me, the bits I do show you how will you ever be able to love me when I show you the dark secrets I am hiding.
I also believe that deep down we do actually want to show them to someone and ultimately have someone else say oh that’s nothing – I love you anyways.
How do we love ourselves again????
This goes right back to the so called ego thing.
We must first love ourselves! We have completely forgotten and ignored this step in our lives. We have learned many times over again that we you cannot expect someone else to love something that you don’t love yourself and yet we are constantly told that we are not enough as we are and that in order to be loved you will need (fill in the blank)
Then on top of all of that is now this belief I am having I should of known better. How could I have fallen into this trap too? I thought I would know better. Now that is some crazy talk too, some of the greatest mind and the most loving hearts have fallen into this trap. It is the biggest line of bullshit we are ever fed..
I keep pausing here and hang my head while holding it in my hands. How can this be? I don’t know whether to cry or scream. I am surrounded by beauty, soft music fills my ears, I am alive and yet this battle rages on inside me..good against evil if you will.
It’s as if a seed of a weed was planted inside me along with this beautiful flower that will fade over time but the weed only becomes stronger if not tended to and taken care of. If you do not nourish the beautiful flower the weed will take over and suffocate it’s beauty. That is what we truly fear is for someone else to notice it, call us out. I can hear it now. how could you let it get so big? Why haven’t you taken care of it? Or Oh my it’s ugly….therefore so am I.
Now in my forty some years here I have allowed this weed to grow it’s root pretty deep and it has taken over. There’s a lot of work here to be done, and it will be dirty, scarey and more than likely unpredictable of what will happen next. Then there will be the emptiness once the weed is gone..it will seem like a big void in my life..all that space, surely that will seem frightening.
But what else can we expect…honestly. the beautiful flower can sure use that space and grow into something more. all I had to do was allow it and take care of the weeds. As many of you know weeds only spread more and more…I can feel it’s time for me to make a change and tend to the weeds inside me and to once and for all allow the beauty to shine out. To remain open and let the light in.. This is where love grows.
After all the ego we perceive as not being good and a “show off” is really only someone else’s perception. Things go wrong when I begin to believe your definition of ego about me.
Ego doesn’t exist without you judging someone else.
You never have ego towards yourself. Or can you? Is it when you are judging someone else that you are truly just judging yourself?