I was raised by my father in many ways and because of that I have taken on many of the same traits as him. However what this has done has left me a tad bit confused about my role in a romantic relationship, actually in man relationships because I can be the strongest one in the room. I can come across as very egoic and in some cases a bully.
My father was and is very strong, new everything at least in my the mind of the child I once was. He spoke his mind and was always in charge.
Let’s say for the sake of an argument that I have learned these skills quite well and apply them whenever possible. Let’s also say that applying these traits to someone who is weaker than I is a lot easier… that is what I have done.
I have found someone to share my life with who is not quite as strong as I am, when it comes to being a bully.
He was mainly raised by his mother and has quite eloquently taken on her traits of being a good wife to what it meant in the 1960’s. The house was well kept, meals were prepared and kept quiet when need be.
I want to go on here by saying none of these traits are bad and should be looked down upon but instead to learn from us sharing our experiences.
We bring to the table/relationship a unique piece of who we are and in the beginning it was partially hidden as we only showed what we wished were but also I am thinking that
what we bring to the table in the beginning is possibly what we truthfully are looking for..
So in the beginning I was quiet, cute, attentive.. and he was louder, fun, confident,
Now our roles have reversed..
We have had sleepless nights wondering where the other person is, the one who we fell in love with. Then get upset at the other person for not being who they led us to believe, when along we were doing the same thing. Now you take this a step further and all the mean things we think and say to the other person is really being directed to ourselves because of the lie or falsehood you were portraying yourself to be. As most things are always being directed back to us when we put them out there because we can only say what we know and we can only know it because of experiencing it ourselves.
So here we are pretending or not pretending to be one of our parents, the parent whom we spend the most time with. That’s completely normal to be just like them. However we also desire to be like the other parent in our household and to be loved the way they were loved.
Now why is that?
now that one I will have to think about a little bit more
Are we so groomed to believe that the man needs to be the strong one in the relationship? And the woman needs to keep your mouth shut? Why can’t my partner and I actually embrace our own traits just as they are? Cause, really it’s a pretty good match.. one of us is the strong one and the other compliments that quality. We think we are fucked up because society tells us so… really? Who does that benefit?
Then what about the whole sexuality thing..can you imagine that dilemma?
My lessons in this was trial and error and mainly what society wanted me to be, which meant an object that could be used on how he sees fit for his pleasure. Society told me to be this cute quiet girl who did what she was told, but I was around a man who was anything but. So my experiences brought me a lot of pain and confusion.
My now partner experienced sex in a completely different way, he learned all about it through porn which matched what society told him about his role in all of it. So basically the woman was to there to please him and satisfy his every need.
Both of us are scared and would much prefer for the other person to change first…to fit into what society tells us to be…. but we don’t… and in the process we feel miserable.
I find it also interesting that we desire the other person because we secretly wish we could be more like them. And possibly through time we may take on some of their traits along the way but we have to get out of our own way first. It always comes back to loving me…myself.