Lord help me

In the efforts of trying to figure out my life and this purpose bullshit, finding it so I don’t have to work a day in my life but instead to love what I do.  I have managed to collect some really good stuff from a variety of great leaders, teachers, and business owners who seem to love what they do.

However I have also collected the not so good who actually may even seem more real than the first ones. It’s as if one is “photo shopped” and the other isn’t. Which do we really want to see?

Tricky question.

With this collection that has grown quite large, I am trying to keep it real and find that one aha moment that will trigger my grand change in my own life, so I can actually help others has seem to of failed me.  I feel even more confused than I did before. Some I am drawn to because it has been edited so beautifully and others because they are so raw. Lord help me.

I battle with my own self worth and still have a habit of deflecting a compliment for something I may be wearing let alone something I do that helps someone else and thinks is really good.  Lord help me.

I am one of those women who loves so many different things but I am made to feel guilty about it because the world tells me to choose one. I haven’t been able to do this and it pains me to know I am failing. I have so many pieces of wisdom sitting in my head and my heart spills out love for so much. I have collected beautiful stories from so many people over the years, I’ve worked in many places gaining multiple experiences and trades.

I am one of those women who are super sensitive, my EQ is off the charts. I see the pain of the world and it physically hurts me, I can also see how to solve a lot of it. I feel like I am a character in a movie who is the misfit, who mumbles the answer from the back of the crowd, the one who can actually make things happens hears it and calls me forward. It would seem like I am waiting for that person to hear me. But while I am waiting I feel helpless, unworthy, so lost.

I’ve never been a loud kid, someone who showed off preforming, that’s not me. I am the one who notices you’re looking for your keys without you ever saying a word and who points them out to you. I am the one who will let you know this or that is missing and how to solve it right away. My attention to detail is impeccable, I sense the feelings in the room and will attempt to raise it if at all possible.

My list of skills is almost embarrassing as none of them are currently making a wage at the moment. The list is long, and varied from one end of the spectrum to the other. The mentors I have collected tell me to focus and just pick one, write down what needs to be done for each item. Just focus on the first one.

I have been able to focus on one thing at a time before but that is when I use to abuse myself; way worse than I do today. This is the longest I have been sober and not addicted to anything that is actually harming myself (alcohol, drugs, cigarettes etc) I’m not sure I really know how to do this. Let’s be real, I don’t that’s why I am writing this now.

How does a sober, highly emotional, multi passionate women move towards her own greatness while making good money, great connections, collect good memories and not lose herself?

Lord Help Me.

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