It’s a beautiful day here, cool breeze and sunny skies. The perfect day. I am preparing for my Epicure party this evening.. well sort of I am preparing myself for today and my future. I am creating my dream board. I am excited about having friends over this evening. I love hosting fun gatherings at my home. It really makes me happy.
I am in the process of redoing my dream board. I know I probably shouldn’t be doing it on a day when I actually have things to get done before tonight but I couldn’t help it. It’s time, with me starting RMT and becoming a certified coach. I need to create another new version of me a better life one that I dream of.
The only thing right now is as I flip through the pages of inspiration I question what I really want. I see something that I think is really beautiful and think how wonderful it would be to be like that or to have it in my home. Then second thoughts come into my mind and ask: Do you really think you deserve that? Isn’t it kind of expensive? Or maybe you’ll find something more like you….cheaper, not quite as bright as that or maybe you can find a used one. Something inside me thinks I don’t deserve these things the way they are. Why is that?
I tell clients and friends that they can have anything in the world all you have to do is believe it and it’ll happen. However, I am still stuck believing old habits and retelling myself the same old story over and over again. I really want it to stop and I want to be able to move on from this broken record. I so want to have beautiful things. I want to be beautiful. I want to be worthy of beautiful things. Does that mean that I need to spend a lot of money? No. I just want to feel guilt free when it comes to my happiness. If I think I want to write a book and be successful with it and have everyone in the world know my work then I should be able to have that dream. When did I start organizing my dreams and ranking them to importance according to an old story told by a drunk who didn’t know where they were or what they were doing.
I do know the answer to this story and it’s been hit on the head with the drunk not knowing where they were. They would always share stories some would seem hopeful and others not so much. But also there were stories being told by people who seemed to be sober. but the story was made up and passed down by generation to the next generation. It was that you poor and that there was nothing you could do about it. You had to work hard just to be able to provide the basics for your family and yourself. You would probably die sore and from what I could tell no one was pleased about it and their only escape was drinking yourself into a state of unknowing… an escape of the pain of reality that was created for you by the last generation. You had to repeat the previous lessons and learn them again.
I do not want to believe this story anymore. I choose to share these stories and prevent the pain from the past. I think we can dream and I believe we can live a better life. A life that is even better than your dreams. There is abundance and it’s endless and then there’s still more. All we need to do is simply ask for it. This I know to be true however I need to believe in myself enough to even be able to ask for it.
*Originally written Friday June 14 2013